Galentine's Day: How to Make Friends as an Adult in a New City
How to make and maintain friendships with like-minded women (especially in a new city)!
WEEKLY RECAP
Hey It Girls! I know… I know… I dropped the ball last week by not posting. Y’all, the past two weeks have just been so overwhelming (in my work and personal life) and as much as I preach about consistency it’s important to remember that, at the end of the day, we’re all human. We can’t show up at 100% every day, sometimes we just need a break. And that’s okay, as long as we make the effort to turn things around and not allow slacking to become routine. So here I am today, showing up for myself and for this blog like I promised myself I would do this year.
Anyway, what have I been up to? Not much, work has been driving me crazy and my apartment looks insane because we’re packing and purging before we move. Some highlights of the last week-ish have been: the early Valentine’s Day night out I had with my man last night and the accountability brunch I had with my friends last week. I’m sure you’re curious about what an accountability brunch is — it’s basically just my friends and I getting together to check in on each other’s lives and goals over mimosas. Highly recommend. I’m grateful that I have friends that I am able to do things like this with because this wasn’t always the case for me. And I know this is something many adult women struggle with and Galentine’s Day has become a holiday that many of them have started to dread. Since I’ve become a lover of Galentine’s Day (my friends and I are actually getting together on Galentine’s Day to watch a movie that I made about Galentine’s Day lol), I figured that I should dedicate an entire post to how to make friends as an adult (especially if you’re new to a city, like I was).
But first…
WEEKLY R.E.P.O.R.T. CARD
Reading: A Curious Mind by Brian Grazer still and, also, a lot of contracts… we’ll get into why in another post.
Eating: caccio de pepe… had this for dinner last night at the restaurant me & my man went to. Super yummy and filling, couldn’t even finish it.
Pinning: words of motivation because, like I said, I’ve been slacking and I needed it.
Obsessing: over The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City… I just binged watched season 4 and, my goodness, the drama???!!
Recommending: the Patrick Ta Major Dimension II eyeshadow palette… I just purchased it and not only are the colors and packaging gorgeous but they’re also super pigmented.
Treating: myself to a makeup haul (per the above recommendation)… it’s been years since I treated myself to buying and playing in new makeup. The pandemic made me lazy with my makeup routine but this year, in an effort to look and feel hotter than I ever have before, I’m rediscovering my love for makeup.
“…a desire for friendship is normal and healthy.”
A DESIRE FOR GIRLFRIENDS
Growing up watching shows like Girlfriends convinced me that, as an adult, I would naturally have a group of my own girlfriends to meet up with during the week for after-work dinners and weekend brunches. A group of friends to kiki with, vent to, uplift and support etc. But finding that group of friends was much harder than I ever imagined, especially after moving 2,000+ miles away from home to Los Angeles. While, I was able to make friends in Los Angeles I was never able to find a group that felt like my tribe — my “Girlfriends”. I wasn’t blessed with a group of girls to hang out with, instead most of my friendships were very individualistic. One friend to go to brunch with occasionally. One friend to go to the club with a couple times a month. One friend to chat about work stuff with. Most of the time I just felt very alone. I had failed to build an emotional connection with most of the people I met in LA which resulted in many of my “friendships” feeling surface-level. That being said, I was fortunate enough to make some real friendships with certain individuals while living in LA. But it wasn’t until I moved to Phoenix that I truly felt like my “Girlfriends” wish had finally been actualized. Since moving here, I’ve been fortunate enough to find a friend group of women who make me laugh, who keep it real and who make me feel cherished and supported.
I think a desire for friendship is normal and healthy. And if you’re someone who has always enjoyed shows Girlfriends, Living Single, Sex and the City etc. then not having those friendships can feel very disheartening. Finding and building a solid core group of friends isn’t the easiest task in the world, especially when you’re an adult and/or in a new city environment. So, as someone who has moved to two different cities (where I knew relatively no one) let’s get into some of the ways I’ve gone about making new friends and what I’d suggest someone in a similar situation to do.
HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT
I had 0 friends or family in Los Angeles when I moved there, in fact, I had never ever been to Los Angeles before hopping on my flight. What I did have, however, were my classmates from college who were in Los Angeles trying to build a life and career same as me. While I wasn’t friends with any of these people before making the move, I came to realize that some of them were folks I could lean on in time of planting roots. So, my first tip is to not hesitate to reach out to folks you know in the area even if you’re not that close to them.
I got super close with one of my former classmates by simply reaching out and asking to hangout with them. This resulted in them not only helping me get settled into LA (even letting me crash at their place while I looked for an apartment) but they also helped me get acclimated to the scene and make friends by inviting me to hang out with frequently. For example, inviting me to a dinner where I befriended three of the other girls I met that night and inviting me to a networking event where I befriended their former roommate who is now someone I have a mutual supportive business relationship with. Which brings me to my second suggestion, befriend your friends’ friends.
When I moved to Phoenix I didn’t know anyone outside of my boyfriend. My boyfriend had already been living here for a year and already had a friend group that he excitedly introduced me to. Through meeting his friends, I made a connection with one of the guys’ girlfriend which resulted in me and her hanging out solo dolo. After the two of us became friends, she started to invite me to hangout with her friends and the rest is history (as they say)! Fast forward to today, and the group chat is currently kiki-ing as I type this post.
Now, these first two suggestions might be hard to achieve if you truly don’t have anyone to reach out to or any friends of friends to befriend (hello, tongue twister). So, my third suggestion is to pay for friends. Okay, now calm down and hear me out… I’m not saying you need to bribe people to be your friend. What I am saying, however, is that if you have it in your budget then paying to be in the correct spaces to make like-minded friends is something you may want to consider. For example, I joined a social club for Black women when I first to moved to Phoenix in order to help me meet people and learn the area while doing activities I enjoy like brunching and pole classes. If a social club isn’t your thing then maybe consider paying for weekly group fitness classes and getting acquainted with the other regular attendees. Or consider paying to attend a local conference, festival event and connecting with people who have similar interests. Or maybe you’re a small business owner who works from home, so you consider paying to work out of an upscale co-working space so you can connect with other entrepreneurs. Paying for friends, in this sense, is a sure fire way to meet people who are like-minded and have similar interests as you.
Be just as picky with selecting your friends as you would be with selecting your nail color at the salon.
If “paying for friends” isn’t a sustainable cost in your budget then, don’t worry, there are plenty of free ways to make new friends too. Suggestion number four is to utilize social media. Don’t be afraid to follow and interact with people who live in your city on social media, especially if it’s someone who’s content you like or who you have something in common with. I’ve heard so many stories about people who became real life friends with each other simply due to them interacting with each other frequently on social media. I, personally, haven’t had any friendships start this way but I have used social media to grow closer friendships with people who I did already know but wasn’t close with until we noticed how much we clicked via social media. Additionally, every time I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve also gone ahead and joined Facebook groups related to the city I’m moving to (I know Facebook groups are seen as an “old people” thing lol but I actually find them enjoyable). There are always groups dedicated to making friends in your respective city. If Facebook groups aren’t your thing then consider a matchmaking app like Bumble BFF (I tried this back in Los Angeles but didn’t really have any luck though I have heard success stories). I’ll say that both of these ways are a bit on the riskier side because you never really know what you’re going to get with people you meet via the internet and a lot of times, you’ll discover, that people are either desperate for friends and/or there’s a cautionary reason why they don’t currently have any.
Again, I think craving and seeking friendship is normal and healthy but you want to avoid looking desperate for friends. No one wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t know how to stand on their own and doesn’t like their own company. I strongly encourage you to continue to get out there, have fun and don’t be afraid to do things alone. That’s why suggestion number five is to just live life. The friends will come naturally. So many friendships are made randomly and they’re truly not instances that you can plan for. One time in LA, I made friends with the girl sitting next to me at the nail salon and we ended up spending the rest of the day together gallivanting around the city. Another time, I was at the gym and I connected with the girl on the treadmill next to me because I overheard her mention that she worked in the same industry as me (fast forward to today and I actually just got her hired for a job). So, don’t be afraid to just talk to people that you come across in your daily life. Compliment the girl at the grocery store, chitchat with the girl at the bar, strike up a conversation with your new neighbor, bond with your beauty techs (nail tech, lash tech, wax girl etc). You never know who you might form an organic connection with.
To recap… here are my five suggestions for making new friends as an adult (especially if you’re new to a city):
Reach out to folks you already know and form closer relationships.
Befriend the friends of your existing friends.
Pay to be in the appropriate spaces to meet likeminded people.
Utilize social media to connect with people who have similar interests.
Live your life and talk to the people you naturally come across.
I know you know somebody who needs to hear this!
BE PICKY WITH YOUR CIRCLE
While you’re getting out there and meeting people, it’s important that you take care to be intentional, even picky, with who you let into your social circle. I’ve been burned in the past by being too quick to let people get close to me. Think about what you truly value and want in your friendships and avoid the people who are the opposite of that.
As someone who struggled to form a connected and versatile friend group in Los Angeles, I knew that when I moved to Phoenix it was important to me to find that here. I knew I wanted to be friends with like-minded and well-rounded women. Women who are just as likely to hit me up for a night out as they are to hit me up for Sunday morning fitness class. Women who are just as likely to kiki with me about celebrity gossip as they are to sit up and strategize about our individual goals, wants and fears. As someone who has dealt with jealousy and feelings of dismissal in “friendships” before, I knew it was important to me to connect with women who were confident within themselves and who had no issue loving and supporting their friends out loud. So, think about what’s important to you in a friendship and look for that in the people you meet.
Thinking about what your soul needs from your friendships will help you avoid surface-level friends where the only thing you have in common is sharing clothes and gossiping about people. Be just as picky with selecting your friends as you would be with selecting your nail color at the salon. Avoid people who only want to be your friend for superficial reasons. There will be people who only want to be your friend because of what they think you can do for them. They want to be your friend because you work in a field they’re trying to get into. They want to be your friend because you live a certain lifestyle they want to have. They want to be your friend because you both dislike the same person. Or, my biggest ick of them all, they want to be your friend because you’re pretty. If I had a shot for everytime someone said something along the lines of “you’re so pretty, we should hangout,” I would be in the hospital with one arm hooked up to a damn IV bag and the other arm handcuffed to my bed. The quickest way to invite jealousy, deceit and drama into your friendships is to choose your friends based off surface-level attributes.
HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND
Making real friendships doesn’t stop at making the initial connection with people. You have to put in work to maintain the friendship. Text your friends. Call your friends. Visit your friends. Sometimes all it takes is to show your friends that you’re thinking of them and you care about them. Celebrate their wins. Invite them to hang out with you. Listen to them and support them when they need it. That’s it. That’s what 50% of being a friend is all about. Let’s get into the other 50%…
25% of being a good friend is making memories together. If there’s an event coming up that sounds interesting to you, send it along to your friend(s) and see if they’re interested in attending with you. Make plans for Sunday brunch. Meet up for happy hour during the week. If drinking frequently isn’t your thing, then maybe you and your friend can have a girls night where you test out alcohol-free wines or make mocktails. Sign up for a yoga class together. Go to that pop-up shop event your favorite store is hosting. Take a random road trip together. Whatever it is, it’s important to put effort into creating new and fun experiences with your friends and build memories that you’ll cherish forever.
The other 25% of being a good friend is keeping it real. Sometimes being a good friend isn’t all sunshines and rainbows — occasionally there will be a storm. This may look like being your friend’s shoulder to cry on when they’re griveing the loss of someone they love or going through a breakup. This may look like helping your friend out when they’re in a bind (be cautious of who you do this with because people can/will take advantage of your kindness but, if you’re being picky with your circle like I told you, then you likely won’t run into that issue). This may look like keeping it real with your friend about how stupid they look running back to a partner who’s hurt them over and over again. This may even look like telling your friend her makeup looks bad before you let her walk out of the house. You can say things as nicely or as bluntly as you deem fit (different friends require different approaches), but it’s important that you keep it real at the end of day. Look out for the best interests of your friends the same way you’d want them to look out for you.
By being intentional in making, building and maintaining your friendships, I’m sure you’ll be loving and celebrating Galentine’s Day with your very own Girlfriends this time next year!
And if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! 🖤✨
xoxo,
Bae